Below the Fold

A New Beat

The handsome prince breaks through the door, revealing the sleeping beauty, dressed in white, looking every bit as lovely as one could ever imagine. Gently, he kneels beside her, his hand brushing hers, his heart pounding. Their lips touch, a magical kiss.. a kiss for eternity.. and just like that, the beautiful girl sits bolt upright, awake and facing this visitor in the night.

She looks at his handsome face, screams for her life and grabs her handy bottle of Mace. Boom! He's down, clutching his burning eyes as she rushes for the phone, making her report to the proper authorities and, after they arrive to haul off this intruder, settles back to sleep -- a girl's gotta get her beauty rest.

Yes, here they are in action, the infamous Safety Police, protectors of morality and purveyors of the happy peace.

Let's follow along.

... okay buddy, who do you think you are, breaking into young women's homes, making uninvited sexual advances? Yeah, I saw how "charming" she thought you were...

I'm writing you up for trespassing and improper conduct. Don't you have anything better to do than ride around on your horse and harass helpless women? You should be ashamed. Don't you have a job? Now, get out of here before I decide to take you in.

They all come out at night...

(Later that night)

We're responding to a report of a young woman currently living with seven men. This has trouble written all over it.

(An initial tangle leads to a discussion with the head of the household)

First of all, I want that mailbox changed. I'm not going to have you people referring to yourselves as dwarves. Not on my watch. It makes John Q. Public a little uncomfortable these days. And what's with these names, Sleepy.. Grumpy.. Doc..? Ever hear of John? Or Bob? Maybe George. And I'm not too crazy about that song you guys sing when you go off to work. What are you, some sort of union rebel-rousers? Heigh-ho... what, is that a statement against Santa Claus and his elves, the whole "ho ho" thing? I don't get it, but I'm pretty sure I don't like it.

But, do you want to really know what I don't like? Maybe it's that girl you have living with you. Let's face it, 7 dudes, one girl. How do you think that plays in Middletown, USA?

Now, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to give you seven days (winking at camera) a little symbolic, don't you think? And when I return, I want a new description of you guys on the old mailbox there, something that everyone can feel good about. I also want a better attitude towards the workday. And I want you to lose the skirt. Got it?

(Talking to camera)

It's a tough job, keeping the world safe from itself. My beat is especially rough. The old ways of thinking just don't fly anymore. Gotta cleanse those shadowy tales. Sanitize. That's our job.

We just got a report in of a wicked Queen with an unhealthy case of vanity. They found her in her castle talking to the mirror. Makes you wonder what went wrong.

Gotta run.

~ ~ ~

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